How to Fail Finals

Lydia Walker Experience, Faith, Learning, News, Student Life, Transfer

We all knew this week was coming. Finals are here and waiting for students to strive for excellence and higher education. The University of Mobile has multiple ways to help you study for your finals, like the Student Success Center, professors’ office hours, and easy quick tips to help you ace your last tests.

But…

What if you want the lowest grades possible? What if you just want to fail?  Well, you’ve come to the right place to discover the easiest, fastest and most effective way to end your college career. By following these thoughtful strategies, you will certainly finish with a very low GPA.

First, don’t participate in class. Doodle, daydream, message your friends or shop online. Anything can be used as a distraction to keep you from learning. By taking advantage of these distractions, you will definitely be less likely to remember class material.

Second, forget about the tutors, resources and zoom-in classes. Although these tools are eagerly begging you to use of them, don’t visit the Learning Center on campus or the Student Success Center.

Third, procrastinate. This is highly crucial and vitally important for failure. It is possible that you could have built a habit to not study much lately. To get a low grade, DO NOT alter that habit now.

Fourth, sleep deprivation is the perfect way to get a below average score. By staying up late, visiting with friends or filling your time with evening activities, you’re adding variables that can help you fail. If you hardly sleep in college, you will create the insomniac’s dream lifestyle, if that is another goal of yours.

Fifth, studies have shown that technology is the perfect tool to numb your brain. The average recreational screen time for an adult is 3.5 hours. We know technology is a fantastic tool to achieve excellence, but using technology only for pleasure and entertainment will ensure terrible grades. It’s easier to use technology for short-term happiness, not long-term knowledge.

Sixth, re-evaluate your college priorities by asking yourself the following questions:

Do I actually want to learn and grow?

Would I enjoy failure more than triumph?

Do I want to put my life plans on hold?

Would I like some unachieved goals and dreams?

Take these actions to achieve failure. If you use the least amount of effort, you are reaching for a sure likelihood that you’ll fail.

Finally, remember to avoid the faculty and staff at all costs. Stay away from the Student Success Center, the library, the Learning Center, the business office or any building with staff members.

Will you make A’s or D’s? The final grade is up to you!

About the Author

Lydia Walker

Lydia Walker is a junior communication major in Journalism and media broadcasting at the University of Mobile. She is an intern with UM’s Office for Marketing and Public Relations. She has worked with corporate marketing for Chick-fil-A and as a receptionist for a doctor’s family practice, and she now enjoys being a barista. She has placed 3 times in state competition for harp performance. She also loves physical activity and chocolate.